Lost in Love
by elisabeth12
Summary: Tony is lost without Ziva there. Set after tony shot Rivkin and Ziva went back to Israel. Not complete yet...pretty much all TIVA!
1. Chapter 1

**This is my very first fan fiction ever! So please review and let me know I did. I am so nervous that I am going to get details wrong! Ha-ha! So please read and review!**

**This is a TIVA story and hopefully you like it!**

_**Chapter 1**_

_**Lost in Love**_

_Letter Tony is writing to Ziva:_

My Love,

Ziva Please read this letter. Don't rip it up, burn it, or throw it away. I am sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. I wish I could go back to the very beginning and just start over, but I know that cannot happen.

Every since I first saw you, I have wanted to protect you, hold you, and be there for you. I know I have done some things but I hope you learn to forgive me. I want you to forgive me and come back, but I know that will take awhile to happen.

There are so many things I want to talk to you about. Things that I can't right over a letter, but I will try.

I love you Ziva.

Every since you came walking into my life, I have been attracted to you. Here recently it has grown to an emotion of love and wanting. I know you might not feel the same way, but I just want you to know.

When I shot Rivkin, I won't lie, I felt proud and sad. Proud that I was the one to protect you for once. Proud that I was there to have your six. Sad because I knew you would never forgive me. Sad because I knew you would never come back to me.

I don't know where I would be in my life without you; I just want you to know.

I just want to know that I will always love you. I just want you to know that I will always be there for you. I just want to know that you will always have held my heart. I just want you to know that I am sorry. I just want you to know that I do care and sometimes I guess I care too much.

I do not know what you are doing in Israel right now, but I hope and pray you are safe. I don't know what I would do in a world without you...

Actually I do.

Because you aren't here with me now. I am going crazy. I don't know where I belong anymore. When I am at work, I can't stop looking at your desk that some Probie has taken over. When I am at home, I can't stop thinking about our movie nights. When I am at the bar, I can't stop thinking about how you would sit beside me with a beer pressed to your lips.

Oh God. Your lips. I have wanted to kiss them all the time. There have been so many good opportunities, but I never had the guts. I never had the guts to break Gibb's stupid rules.

I should have. Then I wouldn't be writing this letter.

Ziva I do love you. I am sorry I never said it before but I should have.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I think it is time I left NCIS and found something else. I need to move away from all this memories surrounding the bullpen, the lab, and most importantly you. I need to move away from you. I wake up every morning hoping that this will be the day where you come waling into the bullpen ready for work. I hope that it is all just a dream and I will wake up from this awful nightmare.

Instead, I just lay awake most nights just worrying about you. I know you hate when people worry and care but I can't stop. You want everyone to think you are unbreakable and undefeatable. But I know you are not, I know you are just frightened and broken Mossad agent.

So I need to get away from my memories of you and your shadow that haunts me every day. I have decided t resign next week. I have already made my decision. I need to get away from this place and theses memories of you.

I haven't really known what to do lately. I just spend my time thinking about you and the boss hates it. I have gotten more headslaps in past months than I have in my entire life. But you're worth it. Even you are just here in my dreams and thoughts, I am glad you are here.

I am sorry I shot Rivkin; I know you grew feeling for him. Just know that I am sorry and I love you. I always have.

Thank you for reading this letter and letting me talk to someone about my feeling. Even if it just a piece of paper, my heart is written all over it for you.

I love you Ziva and I am sorry you never have gotten to hear me say it.

Yours truly,

Tony


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

When Ziva finished the letter, she had salty hot tears rolling down her cheeks. She mentally cursed herself because Mossad agents were not supposed to care. But she did. She would never admit it to his face, but she did miss Tony. She did not know what to make of this feeling but she realized that she did care about him in some way.

She didn't want Tony to give up is much loved position at NCIS, because she knew he loved it. She didn't want him to give up his family just because her. She missed Abby, McGee, and Gibbs so she couldn't imagine what Tony would feel considering he had worked there longer than she did. He couldn't run away from his family just because he couldn't bring himself to forget about her.

She got up from her seat at the table in the room at the Embassy and decided that she had to go back to change his mind.

Tony stood outside the director's office waiting to be buzzed in by Cynthia. He could barley look at Cynthia ever since Jenny died. Every time she looked at her, she saw Jenny. Of course, when he thought of jenny he thought about how it was his fault she was dead_. Just another reason the leave NCIS_.

It had been one week since he sent that letter to Ziva. He stood at his mailbox for about thirty minutes debating over sending it or not. Eventually the mail carrier came around to deliver the mail and he handed it off to him. He watched the van go around the corner hoping he did not just make another big mistake in his life.

He was still debating on his decisions to leave NCIS. He was definitely going to miss his job and being able to wake up each morning looking forward to something. He was going to miss making fun of McGee every day. Ziva used to contribute to torturing McGee along with him.

He was going to Miss Ducky and his stories. Ziva used to sit there and listen to ducky's stories with him.

He was going to Miss Abby. Abby was like a sister to him and couldn't imagine surviving all this years without her. Her and Ziva used to be great friends and they always had a sister bond that he admired.

He was going to Miss Gibbs and his cold stare also. He surprised himself when he realized he would miss the headslaps too. Ziva would always laugh when he got headslaps. He thought it was worth it to see her smile.

"You can go in now Agent Dinozzo", Cynthia interrupted his thoughts.

"Thank you Cynthia". He gave her a smile that did not quite reach his eyes but was good enough for Cynthia. He paused at the door just staring at the doorknob frozen. He thought back to McGee, Abby, Ducky, and Gibbs. But then Ziva entered his mind and he knew it was the right thing to do. He reluctantly stepped through the door preparing for his last time he would ever be in that office.


	3. Chapter 3

"What can I do for you Agent Dinozzo?" Director Vance asked while trying to talk around his toothpick he had stuck in his mouth.

"I am here to resign Director." The words just rolled off Tony's tongue before he could even think about it. He knew that is what he came in here for but he didn't think he could actually get the words out.

Director Vance's face fell out the sound of those words and he had an unreadable expression his face. He could not decide if the silence was good or bad. He really just wanted to get this over with and leave before anyone could try to change his mind.

"Dinozzo I know this has been hard for you the past months since Agent David left but you can't let that get in your head', director Vance started," Your position here is greatly appreciated and I would hate to see you give that up so easily. Now I know this is not really what you want so I will-

"This is what I would director", Tony interrupted, "I have thought about this a lot and my decision is already made". He handed over the folder with all of the correct papers and signatures over to Director Vance. He released the papers and turned to leave.

"Agent dinozzo I would really hate to see you go but I will wait a few days to file these papers in case you change your mind… and I hope you do" directed Vance stated.

Tony gave a nod in the direction of the director. He opened the Door and stepping out into the waiting room. He gave a nod and wave to Cynthia behind the desk who could have probably guessed what was happening since she had been the one who saw how distraught he was while waiting for the director.

He left the office and started down the stairs. He planning to just leave his gun and badge at Gibb's empty desk but was not as lucky when he saw him sitting there. He looked over and saw McGee wasn't at his desk so he was probably in the lab. He decided he would say goodbye to Tim when he talked to Abby. First off was Gibbs.

He walked straight up to his desk and handed his gun and badge over . He gave Gibbs a nod that said I will be back In a minute and headed for the lab where he knew was in for some trouble.

As he stepped into the elevator, he turned to see Gibbs cold stare and unreadable expressing looking back at him. He did not know where this courage to do this came from but he decide to just go with it instead of listening to the lecture he knew was going to get.

When Tony stepped off the elevator into Abby's lab all he could even comprehend was the death metal music that was blaring. He walked into the lab to see Abby and Tim hunched over the computers typing on them so fast that it made him dizzy. He walked up to the stereo and turned the music off.

"Hey! Tony I was listening to that," Abby yelled at him. He knew she was kidding because she had a smile plastered all of her face.

"Sorry Abs I just needed to talk to you," Tony said

"Alright well shoot" Abby could tell from his face that was something serious and probably something that she wouldn't like.

"I am resigning from NCIS"

Abby stood there shocked not able to even comprehend words. Tears started to roll down her cheeks immdiately so it was McGee that stepped up to say something. "Are you sure Tony that this is really what you want?" McGee asked

"Why does everyone keep asking me that!" Tony yelled. He knew he had no right to yell at McGee who was just looking out for a friend but it just came out. "Sorry Probie".

Before McGee could reply, Abby seemed to have found her voice. "What do you mean you're leaving? You can't just leave us! I mean I know you have been having a hard time since Ziva left but we all have. I mean you were always closer to her than we were but-"

"Abs! it okay", Tony interrupted what he thought for sure was going to be a long speech," I have made my decision and I am keeping it. I cannot stay here where everything I look at reminds me of her. We can still see other whenever our schedules match up and you can tell all that has happened around here and I will tell you all about my new job."

Abby just nodded and threw herself into Tony's arms and gave him one of her famous strong hugs and eventually let go. Tony turned to McGee who as standing off to the side and gave him a firm handshake and brotherly hug before turning to leave the lab.

As he rode in the elevator he slammed the machine into the off position so he could have a few minutes to think for himself. Abby's tears had made him cry and he didn't want to go back into the bullpen to face his boss while he was crying. When he composed himself, he put the elevator back into motion.

As he stepped off the elevator he saw that Gibbs must have called Ducky because he was standing there talking to Gibbs. He walked up to his, former, boss and medical examiner and stood there before them.

"My dear boy. Gibbs told all about what has happened and just wants to wish you luck on the next journey in your life." Ducky said.

Tony gave Ducky a hug and then turned to his boss. Gibbs just glared at him and actually thought he wasn't going to say anything.

Finally Gibbs spoke." Take care of yourself Dinozzo. Call if you need anything". Gibbs gave him a headslap and a firm handshake. As tony turned to leave he saw that Abby and McGee had come up. He gave everyone another hug and handshake before finally deciding it was time to go. He went over to his (old) desk and grabbed the last of his stuff.

He walked over to the elevator taking in every image he could since this is the last time he would stand in that spot. He reached the elevator and turned back to his team. He waved everyone goodbye and pressed the elevator button. He seemed like forever when he was standing there waiting for the elevator and he could feel everyone staring at him. If the elevator took any longer then he might change his mind considering Director Vance had said he could come back if he did change his mind in the next few days.

As the elevator doors finally opened, time actually did stand still because he could not believe who he was seeing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you all so much for reading! I have had this story written for while so that is why I am posting chapters so fast. I am not sure exactly how many chapters it will have because I am just kind of going with the flow. So if you all want anything to happen just let me know. **

**(***)**

Tony daydreams a lot. He would be sitting at his desk and look up to see Ziva sitting at her desk typing away on some case report. She would always look up and give him one of her beautiful smiles that he loved so much. She would always make some remark about him staring and he would joke it off saying there was nothing to stare at. But there was. He wished she could have seen it. Seen how beautiful she was and seen the reason he was staring.

Sometimes he would be sitting at home on his couch and get a whiff of Ziva's shampoo. He would also turn and expect to see her head resting his shoulder, but would be let down be just seeing the end of the couch.

Sometimes he would walk into the men's restroom at work and expect to turn around and see her casually leaning against the door watching him as she always did.

Sometimes he would be sitting at the bar on his favorite stool looking around for any sight of a beautiful brunette sitting at another barstool. He imagined her sitting beside him with a beer pressed to her lips while he tried to explain the game of football to her. He never had much luck.

Of course, this didn't feel like a dream. Before he could even begin to comprehend what he was seeing, Ziva had launched herself into his arms.

He could smell her shampoo, smell her sweet perfume smell, and feel her body pressed against him. He prayed it wasn't a dream. He embraced her so hard that he was afraid if he let up, she would slip away again. He wrapped his arms tighter around her, afraid that if he let go he would realize that he was daydreaming again and no one be there.

Time stood still.

**(***)**

Ziva really didn't know what she was doing there. She parked her rental car in a visitor spot in the parking lot and sat there for a while. She hoped that wasn't too late to make Tony change his mind about resigning from NCIS. She didn't want to see Tony lose his only family that ever really cared for him. She missed them all so much everyday so couldn't imagine what he would experience.

She stepped out of the car and walked to the front door. She was prepared for a fight to be able to get into the building but once she showed her Mossad ID. Nobody wanted to mess with her. She went through security and then was finally handed a visitor pass.

As she stepped into the elevator, she had butterflies in her stomach. She hoped nobody was mad at her for leaving without warning and not making any contact for she had thought about all the time. The ride in the elevator seemed like forever and she prayed to get this over with because she didn't want to see their resentful expressions.

She first planned to find the director and tell her why she was there because she knew that he would curious. Then she was going to find her old team and pray they went mad at her. Last, she would find Tony and tell him that he was making the biggest mistake of his life.

As the elevator doors opened, all of those plans were lost. The only thing that she could even comprehend was Tony standing there waiting for the elevator. Before she could even think about her actions, she ran into his arms and prayed that he would return the gesture.

She felt so happy when he hugged her back. Those strong arms wrapped around her, and she finally felt protected once more.

She never realized how much these people meant to her until she left. Every day she would wake up and wonder how there were doing. She had thought about calling so much but then stopped when she realized they probably didn't care.

All of those thoughts were lost when Tony retuned the hug and she finally felt like she had come home.

**To be continued…**

**Sorry these chapters are so short. I want to split them up so the story will last longer but I will post more. Please review! Let me know if you guys want anything to happen because I am just writing as I go along. More chapters coming very soon!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry it has been awhile since I have updated. I got stuck on this chapter… but I hope you like it!**

**Chapter 5**

Ziva could not explain it. She had been Israel for a couple months and as soon as she entered NCIS, she felt like she had come home. Israel was her birthplace. It is where her father lives. It is where all of her family is buried. Israel is where she grew up and where she learned everything.

However, She felt like these people here were her family. She felt like Abby was her long- lost sister. Abby was one person she could always go to if she felt down. The second you entered the lab, you couldn't help but smile. Abby always helped her out when she needed someone to talk to and she could always count on Abby to calm her down when she is upset.

McGee was a like a littler brother to her. The little brother you could always tease and play tricks on. He was someone who could she let some steam off on.

Ducky was like a grandfather to her. He always had a story for everything and is would always bring a smile to her face… when she listened. Ducky always helped her through her problems and gave her something to look up to.

Gibbs was like her father that she never had. Gibbs was someone who looked after her and helped her through anything. Gibbs had seen her soft side and seen her break down. Gibbs was the one who saw her shoot her half- brother. He was one who cared for her and helped her through that hard time when her father wasn't there. Sometimes she missed her father, the director of Mossad, but then she realized that she had Gibbs.

But she didn't know how to describe the last person….

Tony was not a brother to her. Every time she thought of him like that, she felt weird. That just did not fit. Sometimes she maybe thought he fit in like a half- brother or a cousin. Butshe knew that thses feelings that she had for him would not fit there either. Cousins and brothers were not supposed to feel this way about each other, that was for sure. She didn't know how to describe it. Sometimes she wanted nothing more than to just tell him how she felt but something held her back.

Then the whole Rivkin thing happened. He shot the one person that Ziva knew where he fit in. Once she found out that he was just looking out for her; those feelings came back to her. It was then however that she realized they had never really gone away. They had just been buried behind Rivkin and once he was gone, they came back into the right place.

(***)

Everyone had come running up to Ziva when they saw her hugging tony. Tony and Ziva didn't want to break away but they figured that they better before Abby barged in between them. Once everyone had gotten over the shock of Ziva coming back, things started to calm down. Everyone had gathered around in the bullpen, pulling up chairs to sit around and talk.

Abby had gotten Ziva caught up on all of the scuttlebutt happening across NCIS. Ducky told her stories that she realized she had missed so much. McGee sat around helping her decipher the meaning between everything that Abby and Ducky were saying. Gibbs sat across from Ziva just drinking his coffee and going to a refill every now and then. Tony never left her side the whole time. She rdidn't mind though, it made her feel missed.

Once things started to slow down, everyone sat around and just enjoyed having Ziva back. Sometimes things would get quite and everyone would just look for something else to talk about. It was not until things got silent once again that she turned around and realized there was an empty chair beside her.

She looked around looked for Tony and found him standing beside the windows looking out the lights surround the city. Ziva got up from her chair to go across the bullpen to him. She felt the eyes looking up at her when she got up… but didn't care. Once she heard the people in the bullpen start talking agins she spoke.

"Tony. What are you doing?"

Tony jumped a little, and then turned back to the window. "How many times have I told you not to do that?"

"Too many to count". She tried to lighten up the mood with a little joke, but obviously that want going to happen. She gently placed her hand on his arm to spin him around herself. She could not miss that electric shock that ran through all her limbs when she touched him, but now was not the time for that. She turned him so she could look directly into his sea-green eyes,"Hey, tony what's wrong?"

"You are Ziva. We go months without hearing anything from you and then suddenly you show up out of nowhere?"

Ziva felt the tears come back into her eyes and she looked away quickly hoping he didn't see. She felt him put his arm around her waist and try to turn her back to face him. She relunctfully turned but didn't move from away from his hold because she liked it." I am sorry Tony. I thought I was doing the right thing. Once I found out that you were just protecting me when you… after that incident… I thought you wouldn't want to talk to me." She turned away again when her vision blurred from tears once again. She hated crying in front of people.

Tony took her face in his hands and looks directly into those brown eyes that were filled with tears, "Hey you don't have to be ashamed of crying. I know you are a tough Mossad agent who could kick my butt even after running ten miles. And I wrote you all the time so of course I wanted to talk to you."

Ziva shook her head as best she could while her face was in hands."I know. That is why I came back. I got your letter about resigning from NCIS and I couldn't let you do that. I got on the first plan here and I hope I am not to late.

"You not too late agent David." Both Ziva and Tony jumped and backed away from each other when they heard the director speak directly behind them. Vance smirked a little at their response. "I had told Tony that if he changes his mind that I would resign his resignation."

"Director, I am not taking back my resignation. I won't. It has not been the same without Ziva and I can't do this job without her-"

"I know Dinozzo. And that is why I just talked to Director David, he is allowing Ziva to reclaim her liaison position her... if she chooses?"

Everyone in the bullpen quieted down as soon as those words were spoken. Everyone turned to look at Ziva who was stunned at this turn in events once she felt like her voice wouldn't give out she asked, "You mean I could come back?"

"I will take that as a yes. Welcome back Agent David" with that, the director turned and walked back up to his office with Gibbs not far behind.

Everyone once again ran back up to Ziva but with something new to be excited about. Ziva still stood there shocked. When she left Israel this is not what she had intended to happen. She thought that she would just come here and tell Tony that he was making the biggest mistake of his life and then leave, however, she thinks this is better outcome.

Once again, all of the talking got started again. As fast as it started, things started to slow down. Ziva said good-bye to all of her friends and promised that she see them again. Ziva was glad that she would once again be part of the team and she was looking forward to it. She would have to find somewhere to stay and figure out how to get all of her stuff from Israel here… but those are just details.

Still caught up in her thoughts she didn't realize that Tony was following her out until he spoke, "So are you hungry? Do we need to stop to get something to eat?"

"What? We?"

"Well yeah. I figured you needed place to stay and there is a perfectly good couch at my place." At Ziva's questioning look he added," don't worry. I will take the couch".

"Okay as long as you are sure. And no I am not hungry" she replied going back to his original question.

The ride back to Tony's place was silent. Now that they were alone, they didn't know what to say to each other. Tony wanted to know why she really came back. She says it is because she wanted to stop him from a mistake but he could see in her eyes that there was something more. Ziva wanted to ask him about his letter. She wanted to ask if he really meant what he said. _I love you Ziva._

As they entered Tony's apartment, Tony grabbed the phone from the counter and dialed the pizza deliver's number from memory. At Ziva's smirk he said," what? I like take out. And just because you are not hungry doesn't mean that I am not."

Ziva wiped the smirk from her face and created an innocent expression," what? I didn't say anything"

"But your eyes did"

Ziva gave no reply to that, just a shrug. She knew that tony could see right through her and she could read Tony like a closed book. _Is that the right expression?_ She turned and walked into the living room where tony had his movie collection lining the walls and a big flat screen TV in the middle of the wall. She walked over to the movies and grabbed one that looks interesting.

"Bond. James Bond."

Ziva whipped around as a little kid caught with her hand in a cookie jar, "what?"

Tony stepped up to where Ziva was standing so there were now facing each other toe to toe. "Nothing. It is just a quote from the movie. You know Daniel Krieg… James Bond... classic... never mind."

Ziva could feel his breathe on her face and it was intoxicating. She wanted to step closer but she needs to figure out her feelings, and his, before she loses herself. She took a step back only to find the wall behind her. So now she is stuck… either stay here stuck or risk it and move past him. However, what she did was neither. She took another step forward back to their original position.

"Tony... did you mean what you said in your letter" Ziva asked. Ziva tried to keep her eyed locked on is but he was looking at everything but her.

"Ziva… please."

"I just want to know the truth Tony" Ziva then stepped up as much as she could and was now so close to Tony that she he had to look at her.

"What do you want me to say? You are back on the team now and Gibb has had rules about these things. I wrote you that letter thinking you were never coming back." Tony replied his eyes still locked with Ziva.

"So you did not mean them?" Ziva asked. She would never admit to Tony but she felt a little hurt at his explanation.

"Of course I meant them!" Tony exploded.

Ziva took a step back, not expecting that outburst from Tony. She still had her eyes locked with Tony but it was he that broke eye contact to go sit on the coach. Once he sat on the couch, he motioned for her to follow and she did like a little puppy be called.

He turned his body around so he was facing Ziva and looked into her brown eyes, "Ziva I meant them or I would not have written them." Tony said more calmly this time. He moved his hand from his lap to caress her cheek and stroked it a couple times with his thumb. He moved his hand before he got carried away.

Ziva caught his hand before he could put it back in lap. Ziva felt a sense of calm and protection when he was touching her and she didn't want that to go away. Ziva looked into his blue eyes and found confusion in them. "Tony I am glad you wrote that letter. Because I feel the same way"

Tony didn't know what to say, he just stared into her chocolate eyes wondering where this left them. If they decided to take it to the next step, Gibbs would not be very happy. If they didn't take it to the next step then he wouldn't be very happy.

Before either really knew what they were doing, their lips were drawn together like magnets. Both felt that rush go through their body as their lips met. It was completely different from when they were under cover. Undercover there both faking it and they didn't know each other very well. Now, they were both being true and it felt right.

As the kissing got more passionate, they found their way to the bedroom. That night was just about Tony and Ziva. They didn't care if they were breaking one of Gibb's rules. They didn't care about anything other than showing each other that they could count on each other. They wanted to show each other that they could be counted on. They proved them by the subtle words spoken in between kisses. They both enjoyed just having each other there in each other's arms.

**The End? Any Suggestions? Review!**


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